I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
