I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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