i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
