Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
