i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
