Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
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Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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