We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
