Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
