I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
too bad you live with your parents still
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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