the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
