Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
