You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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