I CAN MOONWALK!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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