what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
