Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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