I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
