I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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