I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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