Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
