we made out on top of his cat.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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