How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
