watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
