I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I had to cum in my sink.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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