so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
