your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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