i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
