I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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