There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
