he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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