Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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