low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
