why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
