I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
