So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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