i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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