I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
