I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
