I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
