Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
