I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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