omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
