All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
