I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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