I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
