quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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