i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
