omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
