fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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