I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
