You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I lost the right to judge tonight
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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