you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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