I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
