I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
