the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
