I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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