end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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