This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
