it was like his penis was on wheels.
My pussy is not your playground.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
