I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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