I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
