I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
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