soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
