all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
